The Day I stopped Living for the “Shoulds”

There’s a version of me I used to perform every single day.

She was polished, high-achieving, good with people, good with words. She said the right things. Smiled through meetings.

Spent hours crafting the perfect message.

She was a 3x Presidents Club winner. A high achiever. She didn't rock the boat.

She was really good at being good.

And for a while, I thought that version of me was me.

Until it broke.

The Night it Fell Apart (And Opened Up)

I had just gotten off stage.

Another “success moment” this time, leading a conversation with a Fortune 500 executive in front of hundreds of people. The kind of moment that would’ve once made me feel like I made it.

But instead, I felt hollow. Like I had left my own body to play a part I no longer believed in.

Later that night, I wept. Not because I failed, but because I realized I had been performing for praise and acceptance.

That was one of my first real encounters with the word should.

I should show up with confidence and grace.

I should smile and nod, even when I’m carrying grief.

I should be grateful, productive, high-functioning.

I should be perfect, because if I’m not, what happens?

The scariest part wasn’t realizing how long I’d been performing.

It was realizing I didn’t know what it felt like to just… be. But here's the thing. Women have been taught, from the very beginning that being successful, lovable and accepted means being pleasing.

That their value lies in being selfless, agreeable, productive, and composed.

That being “too much” is dangerous, and being “not enough” is failure.

Why Do So Many Women Feel This Way?

From a young age, girls are rewarded for being “good” rather than being real.

Straight-A students. Rule followers. Emotional caretakers.

This carries into motherhood, where the ideal mom is gentle, tireless, and endlessly available, but never resentful, angry, or overwhelmed.

The message is clear:

You can have emotions, but not the ones that make people uncomfortable.

You can be ambitious, but not at the expense of your family.

You can take up space, but only if it’s useful to others.

The “Good Mother” Myth

We live in a culture that praises maternal sacrifice.

The more you suffer, the more worthy you seem.

Moms are expected to be the emotional backbone of the family, the default parent, the logistics manager, the nurturer and still somehow maintain a career, a social life, a marriage, a clean house, and a sense of self.

And if you falter? You’re told to “lean in” or “take a bubble bath.”

and we don't surface the lack in structural support so mothers internalize it all.

Workplace Double Standards

In the professional world, women are punished both for being too assertive and too soft.

Motherhood often results in a pay cut, a credibility cut, or both.

Studies show that when women become mothers, they’re seen as less committed.

When men become fathers, they’re seen as more reliable.

So women bend. They mold. They over-function.

Not out of ego, but out of survival.

Generational Conditioning

Many of us are the daughters and granddaughters of women who had no choice but to make themselves small in order to be safe.

That memory lives in our bodies.

The instinct to perform, appease, and disappear didn’t start with us, but it’s ours to interrupt.

So no, you’re not weak for feeling tired.

You’re not broken because you’re overwhelmed.

You’re not failing when the roles feel suffocating.

You’re awakening inside a system that was never built for your full humanity.

And you’re starting to ask the question:

What if I stopped with the "shoulds"  by trying to earn success, love and acceptance in the ways I was taught to and started living like I deserve it?

Because Should is sneaky.

It disguises itself as ambition.

It looks like productivity, politeness, achievement, success.

It wears the mask of the “good mom,” the “strong woman,” the “dream employee.”

But underneath, should is rooted in fear.

Fear of rejection.

Fear of not being enough.

Fear that without our constant striving, we’ll be forgotten.

What Lives Beneath the “Shoulds”

And yet, beneath the shoulds, there’s something quieter.

A voice you may have silenced long ago.

It doesn’t shout. It doesn’t pressure.

It asks:

What if you didn’t have to prove anything to be worthy of love?

What if nothing was wrong with you?

What if you could be held, even when you’re messy, angry, soft, unsure?

This is the Moment Confidante Was Made For.

Not to fix you. But to free you.

To help you name what never belonged to you

and come home to what always has.

That’s the voice Confidante helps you hear again.

We didn’t create this space because we figured it all out.

We created it because we need it, too.

We need a place that wasn’t asking us to be more of anything. Just more of ourselves.

Confidante is a place where your shoulds come to rest. Where your performance gets to unravel. Where you don’t have to be palatable to be powerful. Where you are allowed to feel… everything. And still be held.

Since that night, I’ve slowly been peeling back the layers.

I still show up to meetings. I still write the emails.

But now I ask myself:

Am I doing this because I want to—or because I think I should?

It’s a small shift. But it’s changing everything.

If you’re reading this, maybe something in you is waking up, too. Maybe you’re tired of the performance. Maybe you’re craving something real. Let that be okay. Let that be sacred. Let it be the beginning of your return to you. Because underneath every “should” is a deeper truth that’s been waiting to be heard. And Confidante is here to help you hear it.

Ready to step away from the “shoulds” and toward your truth?

Start here. You’re not too late. You’re right on time.

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